All stories and subtasks are done. I click complete sprint. I get the fanfare of SPRINT COMPLETE WAHEY YOU DID EVERYTHING! Jira does not complete sprint. It's still open. and refuses to die.
The only thing I can do is delete the MF and I've had enough of this so, please, tell me I'm being stupid and this is an easy fix. Right now I've got people waiting on tasks.
Sprint deleted. Lost everything. Thanks a bunch Jira.
Okay, for anyone in a similar situation. I've started and closed sprints before, but this was by far the weirdest and completely set my morning into an utter chaotic mess.
I ended up moving all user stories to a fake sprint, deleting the incompletable sprint, starting the fake sprint, ending the fake sprint and it worked fine.
Now I can launch the actual sprint and continue with enabling the team to meet our goals. Why I had to do all this, I have no idea and was never given any sort of error message as to what was going wrong.
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