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Read recommend: "Successful Women Speak Differently, 9 Habits That Build Confidence, Courage, & Influence" by Valorie Burton

 

Key Points:

1) Keep the end in mind when you begin.
2) Take a breath before you speak. Think first; then speak.
3) Just say it ~ respectfully say what you mean; mean what you say.
4) Create an environment of Respect: Give it; expect it.
5) Ask the Powerful Question, then allow silence. It's okay not to always will the space after the question with words.
6) Do not fear silence.
7) Be 100% present. What's multitasking while listening? When you engage - engage fully.

 

4 comments

Hi @Mechelle Hendrix 

   That everything is true, but we could summarize it in assertive listening, respect and empathy

   The world would be much better

Cheers

Like # people like this

Agreed! Thank you @Vero Rivas I appreciate this summary; on point!

Like Vero Rivas likes this

"Just say it" is quite resonant to me. I'm not sure if it's because of the way society has normalized etiquette for women or just my own personality, but I catch myself caveating and (sometimes) providing too much context. But really, what I have to say is true with our without all of that exposition.

I'm going to add the book to my Libby app. Thanks, @Mechelle Hendrix !

Like Mechelle Hendrix likes this

AWESOME!!! Yes @Christine P_ Dela Rosa , I must agree with you! I too find myself “planning” and “prepping” my statements. Valorie’s delivery of “how” we speak really resonated with me. One of my mentors gifted this book to me. It’s the gift that keeps on giving 📚! 

I now strive to consciously think, then “just say it”, & stop speaking. As mentioned in the book ~ the “powerful” questions many times require the person on the receiving end to “think” about the answer. 

I really hope you enjoy the read!

Like Christine P_ Dela Rosa likes this

I've had speech impediments since I started speaking as a child, so I have to plan what I'm going to say before I speak. It's pretty automatic by this point. As I worked on coping skills, I listened a lot to how people speak.
One thing I hear a lot are "crutches" that people use.

  • They often start a sentence with "I mean" ... even before they've said anything.
  • Some of us tend to soften or dilute our points of view with qualifiers similar to "This may not be important but ..." 
  • The word "just" is often used, which makes us sound apologetic: "I just think we might want to consider ..."
  • Another biggie is asking "Does that make sense?" which implies that I may not have made my point very well.
    (I know I tend to overanalyze speech patterns since I have to work so hard at speaking and avoiding phrasing that can trip me up.) 
Like # people like this

Thank you for your in-depth response Rose. Thank you for sharing your personal experience - which will strengthen those who read what you've shared into "WINS"! It is equally important for us to identify what language we should use - as it is for us to identify what language we should avoid using, remembering the desired outcome.

I relate to using "crutches" myself. I now too consciously may plan what I say prior to speaking ~ keeping the desired conversation outcome or results in mind! I even get before the mirror and practice the conversation a loud :-)

I once heard a Professor say - as long as you are aware that you are speaking aloud - it's okay ;-) (lol)

Like # people like this

Thanks for the recommendation. As a retired Marine Corps officer, I have used many of these suggestions. I was a woman in a predominately male environment.  I had to learn these things on my own. 

Item #2 - I had a habit of speaking with high passion that usually was mistaken for emotion because of my gender. I had to learn to breath, then speak.

Like Mechelle Hendrix likes this

Hi Marjorie,

Thank you for your service ma'am. Much respect to you.

You are most welcome for the recommend. I do hope you enjoy the read.

#2 is a 'game changer' in conversation - for sure!

I work in IT & Telecommunications; I can relate :-)

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