So, I found a solution to my situation.
I had to repair my .Net Framework 4.5 installation. Just Control Panel -> Uninstall a Program, then find Microsoft .NET Framework 4.5.1, click Uninstall/Change, then choose to Repair.
After doing that I was able to get mine working. Best of luck.
Thanks for the tip! Glad people are finding their answers to this issue despite Atlassian employees not being of much help on it (there are a few other threads with windows launch issues that haven't been addressed very well). Unfortunately this didn't work for me, so I'll keep searching.
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