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New Practice November #2: swap a "sorry" for a "thank you"

Christine P. Dela Rosa

[Week 2 challenge: week of November 6]

When acknowledging that a situation could have been better, replace (or add on to) an apology with gratitude For teammates.

Examples:

If you're starting a meeting a minute or two later than expected, try "thanks for your patience with our technical difficulties."
If you understood direction differently than someone else, try "thank you for understanding that interpreted this differently."
If someone apologizes to you, no need to even the stakes and apologize yourself (unless you want to) out of reciprocity. Try thanking that teammate for sharing what they said and offer how that made you feel.

After doing this at least once or twice THIS WEEK, let us know in the comments how it went. Describe the situation and how you felt afterwards.

Special thanks to @Bhanu for sharing a similar idea for inspiration.

About New Practice November 2022:

Each week during November, we prompted this group to adopt a work behavior for that week. At the end of the challenge week, we shared our reflections in the post's comments.

Even though the prompts for the month are over, feel free to continue sharing your reflections as this discussion will be available well after New Practice November 2022. Thanks to all who have and will participate!

Comments

Curt Holley

Really cool challenge @Christine P. Dela Rosa
Remembering the importance of those "little things" in language and the impact they can have is all too easy to overlook in a corporate environment.
Things like;

Remembering to ask "if now is a good time" before interrupting someone from their work (an advantage of remote working, people tend to enquire via a messaging channel before cold calling)
Saying things like, "I'd like to speak with you" as opposed to "I'd like to speak to you" (especially if you are their line manager or higher up in the corporate structure)
Expressing gratitude not only as a swap or add-on to sorry, but simply when something someone has done deserves appreciation (again, it can be easy to forget to acknowledge the good stuff people do on a day to day basis)

Chrissy Clements

Replacing an apology, do you know how hard this is for someone originally from the UK? We're sorry for EVERYTHING.

brit-1-sorry-thanks-both-brits-somehow-know-s-happening-04042015-2153-6375-retweets-8229-favourites.jpg

Sorry!

Karim ABO HASHISH

Great tip for positive collaboration, it's always about people

Dave Mathijs

I've learned to adopt this tip previously and it has helped me a lot.

Acknowledging mistakes AND thanking people for their honest feedback.

This week, I thanked a team member for their honest feedback (both positive and negative) on a 360 degrees peer feedback form in preparation of a performance review.

The team member openly shared his feedback in advance with me in a short 1-1 talk. This helped me to understand the written words and clarify the context. Although it didn't concern an apology, I personally thanked him for having the courage to do this.

Being open to feedback and not getting defensive over it or taking it personally really helps you to grow.

Dave Mathijs

Thank you for sharing, this really made me laugh.

Fabio Racobaldo [Catworkx]

Collaboration is at the base for a good team. Gratitude and costant support are the key for a powerful team.

Stress and pressure often lead us to go against our teammates but this is the biggest mistake that can be made. It lowers productivity, puts you on the defensive and goes against proactivity. On the other hand, advising, training, collaborating and, above all, thanking you for your efforts create a high-performance and close-knit team and make your working days less stressful.

Tuncay Senturk _Snapbytes_

Wow! that wasn't easy but it was worth trying.

Today,

I said, "Thank God it's Monday!"
I was one minute late to an online waiting and thanked the teammates for their patience
When I checked the pipeline, I thanked the team that all automated tests passed except two (I usually do the other way round and ask why those failed)

then I gave up, it is too much for me

Deepak Rai

Thanks for sharing this. Amazing!!

vikram_eupqsc

good idea and good tip,

I always say sorry as per busy work schedule for all users who message me.

Ami Chitwood

I'm continuing to struggle with this challenge. Today will be the day for me.

Benjamin_tmh9yg

Thanks, this is a great reminder for me. I naturally just apologize if like my screen share or video call has issues. or just recently I've been apologize for my heater noise being loud during a meeting.

Not sure how I felt during the challenge but after I felt positive.

-Ben

Summer Hogan_q8imea

Great idea @Christine P. Dela Rosa

This morning I was chatting with my coworker about a reorganization that is occurring within IT at our company and she was very discouraged and frustrated over the lack of communication coming down to us from the IT Organization. She kept apologizing to me and instead of apologizing back, I told her "No need to apologize. I thank you for sharing with me how you feel and I definitely feel your pain." This way I was relating to her since I am in the same boat as her.

In another situation this morning, I wrote a user story and it was incorrect. My front end developer told me what the issue was and I fixed it. I did not apologize, but instead thanked him for letting me know and told him I appreciate his hard work and effort.

I'm going to do my best to add this important practice into my daily life. I like most people feel as though I apologize to people too much. Heck, I even find I apologize to my cat too much!

Christine P. Dela Rosa

Yes! Great examples, @Summer Hogan.

I think the trend is to automatically apologize, sometimes with meaning and other times as a reflex. So, you're not alone in apologizing a lot...so much so that your cat gets the message as well haha.

But gratitude has shown to help us move forward more productively, whether its made on top of an apology or on its own.

Christine P. Dela Rosa

Oh good, @Benjamin ! When you naturally apologized for your tech or noise issues, were you able to express thanks to yourself or your team? Either way, I'm glad you felt positive afterwards.

Christine P. Dela Rosa

I believe in you!

Christine P. Dela Rosa

What happens when you add on or replace the sorry with a thanks? Tell us what happens on how your teammates respond and how you feel afterwards

Christine P. Dela Rosa

You don't have to do it all the time, especially in the beginning. Honestly, the fact that you did it shows a lot of courage and commitment. So proud of you for the times you've tried out the challenge already

Christine P. Dela Rosa

Well said!

Christine P. Dela Rosa

Hahaha, while funny, I think our cultural norms have a lot to do with why this challenge is so hard.

Benjamin_tmh9yg

Thanks @Christine P. Dela Rosa . I express thanks to the team by saying thanks for bearing with the noise. I'll put myself on mute for the time being while I turn off the heater.

-Ben

Ami Chitwood

I did it! Kind-of - @Monique vdB helped me out and gave me a do-over!

Christine P. Dela Rosa

LOL I'm very intrigued. Tell us the story please

Drew Garvey

Great Challenge Idea!

Mike Hunsberger

I tried this today in a meeting. I arrived late because another meeting ran late. Everyone was waiting for me to get started. I could feel the pressure to apologize, but instead thanked them for waiting patiently. It felt … good!

Christine P. Dela Rosa

Yes, we love to hear a success story!

Sayed Bares [ServiceRocket]

Thanks for sharing this. It might take some time for me to get used to saying thank you instead of sorry, but I tried it a couple of times, and it felt good.

Stay awesome!

Christine P. Dela Rosa

Ooh, tell us more about the couple times you've tried this week! Either how you got over the challenge of trying it or the reaction in the moment to the language switcheroo.

Sayed Bares [ServiceRocket]

I had a call with my colleagues to do a knowledge transfer session, during the call one of my colleagues said: "I am so sorry I still don't understand how it works", I said: "it is totally normal, thank you for being transparent and don't worry I have got your back". After that I explained the whole process again (with more details).

I will make this a habit of mine and I am definitely seeing its magic, using positive words takes you a long way.

Andy Gladstone

I missed what for me was a negligible deadline, but what for my teammates was more high stakes. This resulted in me needing to extend the deadline for response from the other party by a few days, which inconveniences my team members. I thanked them for being patient with me and supporting my decision to extend the deadline rather than apologize (or more likely, make excuses) for my missing the initial deadline.

Jack Brickey

Indeed this is a tried and true practice. This is as, if not more, important in relationships as it is in your worklife. I forget to incorporate this into my communication at times and the implications are immediately obvious.

this week's example

I was working on requirements for launching a new Jira project but missed a key requirement that resulted in a launch delay. During the launch readiness I apologized for the miss and thanked the team for their patience. The team was very understanding. In the end the 1 day delay was manageable and the team has been happy with the results.

Christine P. Dela Rosa

A relatable situation to be in. Thank you for sharing, @Andy Gladstone !

Christine P. Dela Rosa

Totally, @Jack Brickey. A great way to keep momentum going in this case, where sometimes language can reframe news as less manageable than it ends up being. I'm projecting a little, but hopefully that was true for your example as well!

carolyn french

This week I adopted a new practice to encourage others (not exactly the assignment, but related). Someone said "Sorry, I can't make it" and I responded with "No need to apologize - I'm grateful for your work in this area." (paraphrased) I didn't want to invalidate their feeling of regret for not being able to come, but also I wanted to make sure they knew that they were an essential contributor regardless. I think it landed well. So maybe less future sorrys (sorries?) out in the world at large?

Christine P. Dela Rosa

I like that you're not trying to invalidate how someone else feels, @carolyn french

But there's probably something to normalizing that there needn't be an immediate verbal apology. So maybe for the next time that person instinctually apologizes (as opposed to expressing sorrow they actually feel, which may be different from what they were feeling like in your example), they might remember this moment.

Good variation

Nic Brough -Adaptavist-

I tried, but I struggled.

Like @Chrissy Clements , I'm British, so everything starts with an apology.

Breaking that pattern was not where I struggled though - the problem was with perceived interpretation.

Telling a Brit "thank you for your patience" can easily be seen as sarcastic or even mocking.

And "thank you for understanding that I interpreted this differently." - that screams "It is you who are still wrong, and I am trying to avoid telling you that in the interests of keeping the peace"

The middle-ground for me is to lead with an explanation rather than an apology or attempt to say there's been a problem on either side. It's quite hard, but it seems ok. I'll keep trying.

Christine P. Dela Rosa

I think that's fair, @Nic Brough -Adaptavist- !

Is there a way, to your point, to get underneath the spirit of the challenge? Some people apologize for any action that's different from the norm, even if justified, like a knee-jerk reaction. So the next time you have an impulse to do so (which sounds like all the time haha), what if you still continued with the geographic/cultural norm and apologized, but in addition to it, added a way to express gratitude? Perhaps that would reduce the chance of the recipient thinking they're still in the wrong and genuinely would feel the appreciation.

Carlos Garcia Navarro

Thanks for the post and the challenge, Christine. You posts, as always, are refreshing. I'm a big fan of feedback and I want to keep it coming no matter what. So even if I don't completely agree I always respond with a 'thank you' and a smile.

Alexander Pappert

Does this one also count?
"Sorry that you must do the work twice because you didn't listen to me before"

Christine P. Dela Rosa

There's definitely always room for appreciation for people sharing different opinions, assuming they are productive opinions. Nice, @Carlos Garcia Navarro !

Christine P. Dela Rosa

Not quite the intent of this challenge, but I can understand the frustration of misunderstanding.

Jonathan V_

@Christine P. Dela Rosa I tried this after having run late for a meeting, and I feel like those who were present and on-time for the meeting appreciated it.

I feel as if it makes them feel appreciated, and that I wasn't taking their time for granted.

It seemed to allow for more open communication during the meeting.

Sedera Randria

Is it by listening to me that my children apologize a lot to themselves?
A small change with potentially a big impact for me, my children and for others.

I tried to pay more attention to what I say. It may take a while to make it a habit, but thanks for the challenge :-)

vikram_eupqsc

it is so funny while reading but different culture have different meaning,

Christine P. Dela Rosa

What an immediate result. Wow! I expected some impact on an emotional level for participants, but not necessarily impact, at least not immediately, on those engaged with. Nice

Christine P. Dela Rosa

I wasn't considering the impact of these challenges on non-work people, but that's a great point, @Sedera Randria!

Lauren Allen

I run online training and often find myself falling into the trap of apologising for technical difficulties that sometimes arise. Last week I switched that to Thanks for your patience when explaing that the issues they are having are technical and not their fault either.

It actually felt much more appropriate and I wondered why I haven't been saying this all along!

Thank you for the suggestion

Zulfiqar Bin Zafar_gcva07

Worth reading, how you can change the words and make the situation even better.

Pramodh M

@Christine P. Dela Rosa

I did try this couple of times, one last week and another one this week.

In the first instance, I was a bit late to the call where one of my colleagues had to take over and lead which I was supposed to initiate and when I joined, instead of apologizing to the entire audience, once he completed his part, I continued with saying "Thank you for taking the lead on this one and I would like you to continue" as we were on the same page.

In the second one, the one person in the meeting did not stop is talk at all, he was saying his observations and no one couldn't stop as well. That's where I stepped in and said "Thank you for valuable points, but there are people who have joined to share their perspectives as well, let';'s hear from them as well" and continued to be another great meeting!!

It puts us in the positive mode, where we don't need to feel sorry for ourselves, instead grateful for something by saying Thank you!!

Thanks,
Pramodh

Christine P. Dela Rosa

Two different but great examples, @Pramodh M. You acknowledged value for the person/what was said but also switched gears

Christine P. Dela Rosa

So glad to hear that, @Lauren Allen!

Marta Woźniak-Semeniuk_m044pw

That is something that one of my mentors taught me. I had a really big problem with saying 'I am sorry' - this was actually strongly connected to my overall mental state. Changing this slowly to "Thank you" here and there not only improved the quality of the interaction and set a more positive tone there - it also helped me see myself in a better light. That I am not someone who feels sorry all the time - I am someone who is thankful.

Of course, "I am sorry" is still in my vocabulary as sometimes it can't be swapped - but it's now reserved for when I really am sorry, it is special.

Christine P. Dela Rosa

I hear that, @Marta Woźniak-Semeniuk. So much of adopting a practice or revising a team ritual is having a mindset that aligns with the motivation behind the change!

G subramanyam

My way of showing gratitude to the people around me or the colleagues is to let them know to "regain the control on their attention".

My situation: I have planned an in-person meeting inviting few SPOC's/ stakeholders to discuss about Atlassian events the coming December.

Meeting proceeding: While SPOC's not only physically attended the meeting, but they went extra-mile checking their mobiles most part of the meeting browsing other chapter events, dates, topics etc.!

My way of shown gratitude: These days, every person is equipped with carrying the Internet in their pocket. That means, less time "contributing to the actual meeting" and more "attention to the mobile screens". When I politely announced to "please regain the control of your attention", all ears turned to my words and puzzled eyes with curiosity.

End result: That small sentence, made participants "introspect the goal of their attendance" and "valuing the host" with out making an "apology" to other attendees.

Christine P. Dela Rosa

Interesting twist, @G subramanyam! I think recognize that asking teammates to have control of what you believe is theirs to control, is essentially you acknowledging they have autonomy. That makes sense and I'm glad you got good reactions

Curt Holley

Love it!!!

Fabio Racobaldo [Catworkx]

When someone arrives a few minutes late to a call of which I am the lead (if I know it is due to too much work of the person) I justify it with the others by saying "Thank you for being able to participate. Your work is precious for all of us"

Paul Wiggers

At the start of this month, I set a field as required for a particular request type. Everything seemed fine and we got the results we wanted.

After about a week a colleague asked if there were problems with submitting issues. Since we got requests daily, I just told them that there wasn't and we moved on. Then, a week later, another colleague called. Telling me that customers were complaining that they didn't receive an answer to their requests...

Once is an incident, two is a problem. I took a look at our e-mail server logs and saw that the mail was processed correctly. I then took a look at the e-mail logs in JSM cloud and was greeted by a wall of red "Failed" messages.

Turned out that the request type I changed, was also connected to our inbound e-mail channel. Since e-mails only consist of a Subject and Description field, the requests couldn't fill the required field and weren't processed into issues.

I called my team, explained the situation, apologised to them for the increased workload (we doubled our open issues) and thanked them for their ability to handle these hiccups.

I found out that by thanking them in advance, the team was able to process those requests in a single day and get back to a normal backlog, without hampering the service to our customers.

Tinker Fadoua - [Seibert US]

This is a tough one @Christine P. Dela Rosa . I need to change a lot in order to apply the way you are suggesting. Saying sorry has become part of me.

May be it is due to(this applies to me only not to others):

a lack of confidence
feeling uncomfortable
the way the person was raised

There could be some other factors behind this behavior. I will try it even though I know it will be a real challenge.

All the best,

Fadoua

Christine P. Dela Rosa

An apology and appreciation combo proven also effective. I also think the apology was on circumstance vs your team's fault per se. Nice, @Paul Wiggers!

Christine P. Dela Rosa

All we ask is an attempt. We get that trying something that feels very different for a work culture can be especially hard. So if you give it a shot and it doesn't work, let us hear about that!

My hope is that the attempt will be a positive experience regardless of how successful you find adding a note of appreciation. So remember, you can still say sorry and simply add a layer of thanks on top of it.

Sakina

@Sedera Randria it 100% true our children will surely do what we do

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