Great Expectations: How to cope with anxiety while public speaking

[#1]

Hello folks!

There are many reasons I’ve come up with for why I should back down from public speaking. Imposter syndrome, fear and anxiety have gotten in my way many times in the past, and I know I’m not the only one. While writing about my own experiences preparing to speak, I strongly felt the need to talk about the bumps in the road, specifically anxiety.

When you’re up there (wherever there is) you want to engender trust, provide value, all those good things. If you’ve struggled with anxiety, sometimes it’s hard to do so much as allow yourself to prepare. What if you’re an imposter and the anxious thoughts are right? You don’t want to be so nervous that it ruins your delivery. Confidence comes with knowledge and practice… right? Does that mean you don’t know what you’re talking about? There are so many people there hoping to gain something from this. What if you let them down?

When I tell people that I’m “not good at public speaking” these days, they look at me funny, or say something like “I can’t believe that” and I understand why. People see the finished result--they don’t see how the sausage was made.

So what I’d like to do here is share some of the little things I do to cope with my anxiety when my fear of public speaking is overwhelming.

Be kind to yourself

First things first: anxiety doesn’t always go away with practice, so don't beat yourself up about that. Berating yourself for the results of your anxiety won't make it go away either.  If for no other reason, be kind to yourself because being unkind to yourself doesn’t help. Your anxiety may make you feel like an imposter, but you don’t know that for sure, that's all anxiety driven speculation.  As this gif from Into Action so perfectly states, mental illness is not a personal failure.

  

What I tell myself is that I wouldn’t talk that way to anyone else, so I probably shouldn’t say it to myself either.

• In general, axing negative self-talk when it rears its ugly head is really productive. At times, I have noticed that I berate myself as a form of procrastination because I’m afraid to try. Gently correcting myself, and talking to myself as if I’m a discouraged friend sometimes helps me get back on track.

• Pressure may make diamonds, but you’re flesh and blood. Be gentle, because if you exacerbate your anxiety willingly, you’re going to regret your actions later.

Be kind to your future self, too

If you could take one thing to heart in all of this, make it this one. You know that anxiety will rear its ugly head at the worst of times, so plan accordingly. Fear has this unfortunate side effect of creating self-fulfilling prophecies. Some of them can be avoided if you think of your future self as a different person who needs your help.

• Do what you need to do to start, and then start. It doesn’t have to be good yet, but as long as there is something there, your future self can look at it and have one less thing to worry about.

• Public speaking means talking to other people, so… do that. Early. Find someone who won’t laugh at you, and empower them to help you as best you can, even if all they give you is a willing audience, words of encouragement, or reminders to take bio breaks.

• Eat simple foods before you start a talk to minimize the risk of embarrassment. My anxiety comes in waves: first, the sweats, and then, the GI stuff. I've learned to fast beforehand for at least 6 hours so that I can ignore that problem in the moment.

Avoid comparing yourself to others

The phrase "mind your own business" isn't usually a positive one, but the world is our oyster, let's make this a thing.  Everyone is different, and if your anxiety is bad enough to get in your way, comparing your work to your more relaxed peers may not make any sense.  For one, anxiety turns us into really bad judges, but two--your context will never be the same as theirs.

• If you’re in a lineup of speakers and seeing someone else do an excellent job makes you nervous, try to remind yourself that their success is not your failure. It doesn’t mean your talk will look bad in comparison.

• The way most folks prep and practice might not work for you--that’s okay! For you, it may not be enough to just know what you’re talking about, to memorize, or to just practice--you have to believe what you’re saying. That may sound silly, but for me it’s essential to spend time re-convincing myself that my content is true and current. Spend some time on that.

If you’re an anxious person like me, your anxiety is a compulsory, unwelcome roommate.

None of these suggestions are meant to eliminate your anxiety. Rather, they’re tactics I use to make coexisting with my unwelcome roommate easier. This way, I’m closer to following through with what I want to do, regardless of how my roommate feels about it. 

What sort of things do you do to make yourself more comfortable with being uncomfortable while public speaking?

[Monique vdB]

"You have to believe what you’re saying" is great advice! I get nervous when public speaking too, and this article was super helpful. Thank you!

[Bridget]

Agree! Great article and love all of this gif content. Thanks @Ijeoma Ekeh 

[Isha]

@Ijeoma Ekeh So many helpful gems sprinkled throughout your article. 💎 💎  I'm proud of you for being vulnerable and sharing your journey with Community. 

[Darline Auguste]

"Pressure may make diamonds, but you’re flesh and blood" really hits home! Public speaking terrifies me and I love all the insights you shared here. Well done!

[edwin vasquez]

"you have to believe what you’re saying" is what helps me the most. If I have doubts in what I'm saying, that allows for anxiety to set in.

[Ijeoma Ekeh]

@edwin vasquez 100%, and when the purpose of a presentation is to teach someone else something, it's an even bigger impact.  In my mind, it makes no sense to teach someone something I don't think is true, and I cannot fake it. 

Haha, my chest tightened just now, simply thinking about the scenario.

[Hakeem Olasupo]

Thanks so much for sharing. This really come at the right time.

Learnt alot and would surely work more on it.

[.]

I agree.  Great tips!

[Jason Dai]

Thanks for the great tips, particularly the "Be kind to your future self". Sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves. 

[Darryl Lee]

It requires a lot of practices on both mentally and the skills, however, I found it the hardest on the mental readiness.

Thanks a lot for the awesome tips!

[Deleted user]

This is such a useful list and so honest! Thank you!

One of the things that has helped me with my anxiety is being kinder to myself and others, even if that means just nodding to someone when they're being brave enough to speak publicly but are looking a bit nervous at the beginning. I've realised that it helps me accept myself and my own insecurities better when I relate to others, and that most of my fear is in my head. We're all on our own journeys through anxiety, at least a lot of us are! That realisation makes it easier to cope.

[Ijeoma Ekeh]

@[deleted] 
I've been trying to send this all week, but it got lost in a pile of tabs! :)

You're so right.  Sometimes, being kinder to myself starts with being very intentionally empathetic to other people in that way.  It's like I'm putting myself in the headspace I need to be in, to grant myself a little grace. 

I started trying this because of a technique my therapist taught me, to abstract myself as someone else, and think about how harshly I would judge them and how I would like them to feel if they were a peer.  Not only did it help me start accepting myself, it also helped me understand how unnecessarily harsh I was being to myself in comparison, and after that, I realized there was no real basis for that harshness.  Every time I remove that harshness, it gives me way more energy for graciousness towards myself.  It turns out that graciousness is way less stressful.

[Allie]

"If you’re in a lineup of speakers and seeing someone else do an excellent job makes you nervous, try to remind yourself that their success is not your failure. It doesn’t mean your talk will look bad in comparison." THIS! Let's lift each other up.

[Ankush Bora]

Commenting on this one as it needs more 'love' from the community! :)

[Ankush Bora]

@Ijeoma Ekeh: Nicely written piece. I wonder if you may have newer findings, observations or learnings since the time this was put here.